The Flow of Vulnerability

Related to my last two posts, it’s important to point out that there needs to be a balanced flow when you are increasing the vulnerability with another person. It needs to be a gradual progression of small steps. Both people need to participate and one person can’t be too far ahead of the other in terms of being vulnerable. You can lead be a bit more vulnerable than the other person, but if they aren’t coming with you, then you need to stay at the same level you’re at until they take another step.
There are a lot of ways to turn your dial of vulnerability up or down. The best indicator is probably how scared you feel to share something with someone. The more fear you feel to share a certain thing in a certain way, chances are that it will also come across as more vulnerable. On a more tangible level, below are a few ways to moderate your vulnerability.
The words you use matter. For example using “scared” or “frightened” is more vulnerable than “nervous.” These words mean about the same thing at the root, but some are considered more personal than others in society.
Adding more pauses in your speech and making them longer can increase how vulnerable you come across as. Let’s take look at these couple sentences for example: “My mother passed away last year. It was a hard time for me.” Pausing a bit after each of these sentences gives emphasis and power to what you’re saying. It communicates that each statement is a big deal in your life and not something that you’re sharing lightly. The longer each pause is, the more meaning and power you’re giving to each statement.
You’d probably find it incongruent for someone to take these pauses but show no emotion in their facial expressions or body language. Showing more emotion through body language is another way to be more vulnerable. For example, expressing sadness can be communicated through a little bit of a frown, looking downward with your eyes, letting out a sad sigh, or dropping your shoulders in a defeated way.
Trying to create new ways of expressing vulnerability won’t be necessary for most people who don’t have autism or similar challenges. Most people already know how to express vulnerability in many ways that feel “natural” for them when they feel safe enough to do so. I’m pointing these options out mostly to help us be aware of how we express or hold back different forms of vulnerability so we can use them in a balanced way to intentionally create more connection.
This week think of three different ways to answer the same question which express different levels of vulnerability. Practice these in the mirror and then in real life!
Here’s to being real,
Kyle